#humor

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run. No! If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers. ↗

— Moira Young

#funny #humor #moira-young #rule #funny

Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny. ↗

— Bruce Springsteen

#funny

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. ↗

— Irvin S. Cobb

#head #merely #pants #standing #torn

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world! ↗

— James Dashner

#humor #random #the-maze-runner #funny

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #funny

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#girlfriend #humor #neighbors #sex #funny

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dead #fish #funny #humor #prostitutes

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#boob #costume #funny #humor #idiot

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ask #fact #factor #fall-in-love #funny

Are you a female dog?" "What?" Massie asked. "Why?" "Because you are acting like a real bitch! ↗

— Lisi Harrison

#clique #comebacks #dog #female #fun