#humor

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#humor #business

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication. ↗

— W. Somerset Maugham

#authors #british #humor #business

She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay." "Did you suggest she ask him?" Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow. ↗

— Lisa Lutz

#business

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humor #rivalry #school-rivalries #school-spirit #stratford

Ooh, I like this one!" Connor says. "'Diminished prospects for future.' Sounds like a stock report! ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#unwholly #humor

Men They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different; And once they have you, safe and sound, They want to change you all around. Your moods and ways they put a curse on; They'd make of you another person. They cannot let you go your gait; They influence and educate. They'd alter all that they admired. They make me sick, they make me tired. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #men #poetry #change

When you say a friend has a sense of humor do you mean that he makes you laugh, or that he can make you laugh? ↗

— Max Frisch

#humor #laugh #make #makes #mean

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #penis #typing #change

Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. ↗

— John Kenneth Galbraith

#attention #employs #gaining #holding #person

What wasdat, sir? What wazzat sir? What wassat, sir?” “Wayne, what are you babbling about?” Waxillium asked. “Practicing my pretzel guy,” Wayne said. “He had a great accent...” Waxillium glanced at him. "That hat looks ridiculous.” “Fortunately, I can change hats,” Wayne said in the pretzel-guy accent, “while you, sir, are stuck with that face. ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#change