#humor

I pointed at Wireman's forehead. "This is your brain," I said. Then I pointed at my easel. "This is your brain on canvas. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor #art

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. ↗

— W. C. Fields

#day #every #every day #get #off

You get work however you get work, but keep people keep working in a freelance world (and more and more of todays world is freelance), because their work is good, because they are easy to get along with and because they deliver the work on time. And you don’t even need all three! Two out of three is fine. People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time. People will forgive the lateness of your work if it is good and they like you. And you don’t have to be as good as everyone else if you’re on time and it’s always a pleasure to hear from you. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor #work #attitude

Mr. Oswald places the telescope on the desk in front of us. "This," he says proudly, "Is a Broadhurst. It was the most powerful telescope for backyard veiwing in its day." Which was when?" Lizzy asks. The nineteen thirties," he replies. "Isn't it a beauty? On a clear night, you could see the whole entire solar system with this one." Unable to stop myself, I blurt out, "My very energetic mothe just served us nine pizzas." Lizzy gawks at me likw I have two heads. "He;s lost it; he's finally lost it. I knew this day would come." Mr. Ozwald chuckles. "Jeremy has just given us a mnemonic device for remembering the order of the planets. ↗

— Wendy Mass

#beauty

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat. ↗

— Sarah Dessen

#humor #business

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication. ↗

— W. Somerset Maugham

#authors #british #humor #business

She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay." "Did you suggest she ask him?" Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow. ↗

— Lisa Lutz

#business

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humor #rivalry #school-rivalries #school-spirit #stratford

Men They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different; And once they have you, safe and sound, They want to change you all around. Your moods and ways they put a curse on; They'd make of you another person. They cannot let you go your gait; They influence and educate. They'd alter all that they admired. They make me sick, they make me tired. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #men #poetry #change

Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. ↗

— John Kenneth Galbraith

#attention #employs #gaining #holding #person