#humor

Okay, that was, I have to say, about the cheesiest thing I ever heard in my life,” I say to Angela as we’re milling around afterward. We hug, so Billy can take our picture. “I mean, seriously. Just be? You should write ads for Nike. ↗

— Cynthia Hand

#clara #humor #humor

I stood on Susan Boone's front porch, feeling lame. But then, since I've pretty much felt lame my entire life, this was no big surprise. On the other hand, usually I felt lame for no particular reason. This time I really had a reason to feel lame. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#lame #life #meg-cabot #humor

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here. ↗

— C. JoyBell C.

#bad-boys #good #good-and-evil #humor #humorous-quotations

My dick didn't seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the world, so I started talking about global poverty and shit. I'm not surprised she left. I suspect she won't be coming back. ↗

— Nikki Sixx

#sex #humor

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown. And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺ ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#education #educational #humorous #poetry #wisdom

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds. ↗

— Courtney Allison Moulton

#ex-girlfriends #humor #life-saving #meds #reaper

It’s just...” She scrubbed a hand across her face. “I keep looking for someone to share life with, someone patient. Not afraid of a mop or use the stove. Even-tempered, understanding, not allergic to emotion.” She closed her eyes momentarily. “Someone sweet.” Hunter stifled a grimace. She was describing a female with a penis. ↗

— Shayla Black

#humor

How sad that I felt more of a connection to a fictional character than to a guy in real life. ↗

— Allison van Diepen

#sadnessness #humor

For the life of me, I did not understand how he[Atticus] could sit there in cold blood and read a newspaper when his only son stood an excellent chance of being murdered with a Confederate Army relic. ↗

— Harper Lee

#humor #to-kill-a-mockingbird #humor