#humor

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—" At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous eyes. "Those revolting creatures are always getting themselves locked up. If only they would stay that way. ↗

— Catherynne M. Valente

#maidens #towers #witches #humor

Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin. ↗

— Christopher Farnsworth

#humor #paranormal-suspense #vampires #humor

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny. ↗

— John Green

#humor #funny

The Librarian considered matters for a while. So…a dwarf and a troll. He preferred both species to humans. For one thing, neither of them were great readers. The Librarian was, of course, very much in favor of reading in general, but readers in particular got on his nerves. There was something, well, sacrilegious about the way they kept taking books off the shelves and wearing out the words by reading them. He liked people who loved and respected books, and the best way to do that, in the Librarian’s opinion, was to leave them on the shelves where Nature intended them to be. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

Has all the trappings of a mystery novel, doesn't it? ↗

— Patricia Cornwell

#irony #humor

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #inspirational #truth #humor

This is Zach." I said as Daniel shook hands with him. "The youngest is Ryan. The obnoxious one is Brent." "I respect that assessment." Brent said, and awkwardly bump knuckles with Daniel instead of a handshake. ↗

— Bree Despain

#humor

In his heart, she’d been smiling for him. But now she was smiling at Colin Bridgerton, he of the famous charm and sparkling green eyes. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #humor

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am." "Sit up. Arf," I teased. "What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am." "Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop! ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#humor #vampires #humor

Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels! ↗

— Brooke Sachau

#humor #women #women-s-strength #humor