#humor

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it. ↗

— G.K. Chesterton

#humor #literary-criticism #humor

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister? Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now. PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass. ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass. Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one. PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#school #humor

One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#romance #humor

First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#kira #mencheres #myth #vampires #humor

I live for the present and foot the bill to whoever wasn’t invited. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #life #spontaneity #funny

Professor: A mind not broad enough to encompass its specific sub-discipline, so it loses itself within its position instead. If nothing else, others will be made to grasp the meaning of 'Emeritus' – through its effects if not its etymology. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #professor #funny

I've always found exercise to be an awful hindrance to my well-being, and nature to have a stifling atmosphere. In combination they would be fatal. I do admit, though, that exercise is quite majestic when seen from a distance. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #nature #funny

I hope it won't be too aristocratic of me to pass some noble gas. ↗

— Bauvard

#flatulence #funny #humor #nobility #funny

Plastic surgery is for dolls. I am a mannequin of life. I have a particularly charming effect when seen through glass. ↗

— Bauvard

#good-looks #handsomeness #humor #plastic-surgery #funny