#humor

She spoke under her breath to Nick. "Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock?" "He puked on his foot." "Oh." She turned back to Huxley. "Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something? ↗

— Julie James

#humorous #humor

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep! ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#relaxation #humor

Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!' 'Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid. ↗

— Kathy Reichs

#stupidity #virals #humor

Did you let him know that if he can't see fit to return your blow job immediately, you will have no choice but to sue? ↗

— Meg Cabot

#inspirational #romance #humor

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#control-freaks #control-issues #cynic #cynical #cynical-humor

I hate meeting new people even new clients who intend to give me money. I try to be pleasant but I'm not very good at it. The best I can usually pull off is 'professional if somewhat chilly.' It's not ideal no. But it beats 'awkward and bitchy. ↗

— Cherie Priest

#humor

...When a man first awakens, it sometimes takes several moments before he starts thinking clearly." "And here I thought it took several years, perhaps a lifetime for the average man's intellect to kick in. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#gwen #humor #intellect #karen-marie-moning #kiss-of-the-highlander

Father said I have no sense of humor at all. He said I was unequipped to meet life because I have no sense of humor. ↗

— J.D. Salinger

#humor

You can hear now. Your inner ear is formed. I shout "I love you" into the bedroom. Then I feel stupid. Then I don't. This is pretty much the story of my life. ↗

— Suzanne Finnamore

#pregnancy #humor

When I was 14, a camp counselor explained what "eating out" was and I vowed to never have it done to me. It seemed cannibalistic and unhygienic. I also remember that she claimed--in front of an entire cabin of girls--to have been "eaten out" by one of the maintenance men in a hot tub. Under hot water. Either something is amiss in my memory of this conversation or she found the most talented man on the planet and all hope is lost for the rest of us. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#humor