#humor

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

We'd even devised the Buffy scale of life relationships: you start off wanting Xander, spend your twenties going out with Spike and setttle down with giles. ↗

— Jenny Colgan

#humor

Forget Jack, I'm in love with the cold, dirt floor. ↗

— Ann Brashares

#bridget #humor #sisterhood #humor

No more hanky-panky or you get more evil. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#humor

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor #humor

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. ↗

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

#humor #proportion #united-states #usa #humor

If I were you, And you were I, I would kill myself, But you would die! ↗

— Bruce Jennings

#insult #humor

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit. ↗

— Richard Pryor

#richard-pryor #stand-up-comedy #vampires #humor

Mia, I told you how I feel. I'm an asshole and I don't say or show how I feel very often, so how about you just fucking enjoy it." -Christopher Mason ↗

— Sadie Grubor

#love #romance #humor

Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #humor