#humor

Whoever you are, there is some younger person who thinks you are perfect. There is some work that will never be done if you don't do it. There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a place that you alone can fill. ↗

— Jacob M. Braude

#humor

I take one day off," he says, "and you almost get yourself killed." "Almost being the operative word." "Killed being the operative word. Almost is the word Killed used to beat up in high school. ↗

— D.D. Barant

#humor

Isabelle is like a warrior going into battle and she needs… you said yes? You'd really choose an inexperienced squire?" she asked, her voice incredulous. He laughed. "I would." She smiled. "You're lying to me to make me feel better. It's all right. It's working. Now tell me another lie. ↗

— Julie Garwood

#humor

Iain didn't know what to say to her. They had all asked an incredible amount from her. She was such an innocent, too. Hell, she wasn't even married, and yet they'd demanded she deliver a baby. He wasn't even certain if she knew how Isabelle had conceived the babe. ↗

— Julie Garwood

#humor

Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out." Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult. ↗

— Kristin Hannah

#humor #insult #pregnancy #sisters #humor

...it was a perfectly normal gerbil. It appeared to be living in an exciting construction of cylinders, spheres and treadmills, such as the Spanish Inquisition would have devised if they'd had access to a plastics molding press. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

Overheard at O'Banion's Beer Emporium: "Pardon me, darlin', but I'm writin' a telephone book. C'n I have yer number? ↗

— Henry D. Spalding

#irish #phone-number #pick-up-line #humor

baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true; blarney is flatter so thin we like it. ↗

— Monsignor Fulton J. Sheen

#blarney #compliment #flattery #humor #humor

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing. ↗

— J.A. Saare

#humor #ja-saare #renfield-syndrome #rhiannon #rhiannon-s-laws

What's with that?' Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. 'Just covering his head with his arms? Didn't he see the lawyer in the movie? ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor