#humorous

This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes? ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#change

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands ↗

— Amy McAuley

#dating

Yea though I walk through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest M-F in the valley. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#death

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#death

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#death #funerals #humorous #death

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#humorous-quotes #diet

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#exercises #humorous-quotes #diet

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor

Follow Your Dreams, Except the One Where You’re at School in Your Underwear ↗

— Annabel Monaghan

#dreams

Chip did not believe in having a shock drawer or a T-shirt drawer. He believed that all drawers were created equal and each with whatever fit. ↗

— John Green

#equality