#humorous

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. ↗

— Scott B. Pruden

#humorous-quotes #immaculate-deception #satire #science-fiction #science-fiction-comedy

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? ↗

— Victor Borge

#funny #humor #humorous #sneeze #victor

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.' He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.' 'Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses. ↗

— Mindee Arnett

#funny #humorous #quote #funny

This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit." -Ty Henderson ↗

— Madeleine Urban

#humorous-quotations #shit #squirrel #funny

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something. ↗

— Karen E. Quinones Miller

#inspirational-quotes #humor

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humorous #funny

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#lazyness #procrastination #procrastination

I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now. ↗

— Ron Moore

#procrastination

The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#humorous #sex #humor

But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imagined." Even her brother thought Simon too good for her. "Because he is a duke?" "What? No," Ralston said, truly perplexed by her instant defensive response. "Because he's an ass. ↗

— Sarah MacLean

#imagination