#humour

Dear Aunt Patty, Thank you for coming to be part of what definitely ranks in the top five worst days of my life. While your generosity is appreciated, I am returning this gift, as forced bachelorhood necessitates total abstinence from bamboo placemats and matching napkin rings in my daily life. Sincerely, Emory Too much? ↗

— Cary Attwell

#left-at-the-altar #wedding-presents #life

It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, some indication of how deep a hole you had managed to burrow for yourself ↗

— Nick Hornby

#humour #life

This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#humour #romance #young-adult #young-adult-romance #funny

Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over. Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.” Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#humour #romance #young-adult #young-adult-romance #funny

He’s my cat! He’s not God’s cat! Let God have his own cat! Let God have all the damn old cats He wants, and kill them all! Church is mine! ↗

— Stephen King

#life #life

When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord. ↗

— Lawrence Shorter

#non-fiction #life

I swiftly discovered that there are few things in DIY (and possibly life) that can't be solved with a large mallet, a bag of ten-centimetre nails and some swearing. ↗

— Monty Halls

#humour #life

Life is one big chore. ↗

— Jemina Akhtar

#life

Hap, even tough I'm a racist castrating bitch that wants you to be better than you are, wants you to do something with your life besides be a knockabout, do you think you could find it in your heart, in your itty-bitty white man's dick, to get a hard-on for me? In other words, want to fuck? ↗

— Joe R. Lansdale

#interracial #life

Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic. ↗

— Jessica Park

#olympic-games #sport #sports #love