#humour

Is he all scarred now? Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally. ↗

— Derek Landy

#physics

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people. ↗

— John Green

#humour

You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#euphemism #humour #political-correctness #humour

I don't know the rules of grammar. If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or buy something, it seems to me you should use their language. ↗

— David Ogilvy

#grammar #humour #advertising

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average. ↗

— P.J. O'Rourke

#humour #iq-tests #maths #math

I have no problem with god - it's his fan club that scars me. ↗

— A.B. Potts

#god #humour #atheist

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in. "Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth. "Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking. "What do you do for a living?" Brandon added. "Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too. "Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered. ↗

— Crystal Rose

#humour #gay

Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over you biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it. ↗

— Caitlin Moran

#humour #biology

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. ↗

— Karl Pilkington

#biology #humour #scientific-research #biology

By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side." "I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#seduction