#humour

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country." Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England? ↗

— Aleister Crowley

#humor #humour #humor

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humour #hypochondria #twitter #twitter

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#gospel

Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons. Munitions Commander? Why me? I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part. -Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn ↗

— Howard Tayler

#humour #military #promotion #sci-fi #weapons

If natural selection can create creationists it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse. ↗

— Zane Stumpo

#douglas-adams #humour #multiverse #parallel-universe #quantum

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#humour #revolution

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man. ↗

— Albert Camus

#humanity #humour #man #problems #genius

Rogue Squadron doesn’t run. Unless we really, really have to." "No, this will be Wraith Squadron’s mission." "We don’t mind running. Even when we don’t have to. ↗

— Aaron Allston

#cowardice #humour #running #star-wars #cowardice

Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you. ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#practice #sex #skills #cat

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender? ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#ron-weasley #humour