#humour

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them. ↗

— Johnny Depp

#love #family

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humour #neighborhoods #funny

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #humour #work #writing #humor

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream. ↗

— John Lennon

#power-of-words #words

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.' 'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humour #nathaniel-gray #will-herondale #wit #eating

God does not play dice, bankers do. ↗

— Greg Curtis

#humour #money #money

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humour

Hundreds of hysterical persons must confuse these phenomena with messages from the beyond and take their glory to the bishop rather than the eye doctor. ↗

— James Thurber

#humour #james-thurber #religion #religion

One of the lambs fixed its attention on Jared. “Baa,” it flirted. “Boo,” said Jared. “Oh my God, Jared. Don’t tough-talk the lambs.” "It was giving me a funny look. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#funny

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem. Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea. Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll. ↗

— David Walliams

#britishness #cake #humour #tea #tyrannosaurus-rex