#humour

Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#family

You curse a lot." "Fuck you - I hardly curse at all. ↗

— Tere Michaels

#humour #faith

Spiritually the jugs may be graduated thus: Just below the shoulder of the first bottle, serious and concentrated conversation. Two inches farther down, sweetly sad memory. Three inches more, thoughts of old and satisfactory loves. An inch, thoughts of old and bitter loves. Bottom of the first jug, general and undirected sadness. Shoulder of the second jug, black, unholy despondency. Two fingers down, a song of death or longing. A thumb, every other song each one knows. The graduation stops here, for the trail splits and there is no certainty. From this point on, anything can happen. ↗

— John Steinbeck

#death

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be. ↗

— Yahtzee Croshaw

#death #dying #hindsight #humour #death

The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibers, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibers than is found anywhere else in the male or female body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice, twice, twice the number in the penis. Who needs a hand gun when you’ve got a semi-automatic? ↗

— Eve Ensler

#masturbation #design

It’s not really wine,” he said. “It’s Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back. ↗

— Jennifer Echols

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #diet

Percy stormed over to the magical cooler. No one tried to stop him. He knocked open the lid and rummaged throught the ice. There had to be one. Please. He was rewarded with s silver-and-red can of soda. He brandished it at the dolphin warriors as if spraying them with bug repellent. "Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humourous #percy #diet

Did you bring me a rat?" "He has no time for rats, George." "No time for rats? That's just sad. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#mythology #mythology

Then I shall bid thee goodnight, my dear. Sweet pixies watch over the dusty moonlight of your dreams, Jessameine. ↗

— Jennifer Silverwood

#fairies #fairy-tale #paranormal-romance #pixies #whimsical-humour

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams? ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#humour #sleeping #dreams