#ill

Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor. ↗

— William Goldman

#family #funny #miracle-max #s-morgenstern #the-princess-bride

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #random #random-thought #silly

Stop using him, and start protecting him. I know he thinks he doesn't need it, but sometimes he does. Sometimes we all do. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#family #frank-collins #ghost-town #growing-up #morganville-vampires

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blood #crazy #culinary #food

You may be assured that we won't ever let your words die. Like the words of our Master, Jesus Christ, they will live in our minds and our hearts and in the souls of black men and white men, brown men and yellow men as long as time shall last. ↗

— Ralph Abernathy

#black #brown #christ #die #ever

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread? ↗

— Calvin Trillin

#humor #trillin #food

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hospitality #humor #random #random-thought

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #politicians #politics #random

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today! 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#convert #drink #frozen #funny #humor

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #noon #random #random-thought