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Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large. ↗
You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I'd still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You'll hear my flattering words when you see me clap. Hello and goodbye are the same word, in the language of the hand. When I talk with my hands, I might be agreeable and say "Ok." Or I might be calling you an asshole. But let's face it, I am agreeable, and you are an asshole. ↗
Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else. ↗
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them. ↗
The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and... "And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation. ↗
I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42. ↗
Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves. ↗
She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.” “Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them. ↗
