#m

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. ↗

— Emo Philips

#cd #dutch #german #missionaries #released

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' ↗

— Emo Philips

#grandfather #last #remember #said #truck

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. ↗

— Emo Philips

#helps #i #me #never #sites

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. ↗

— Emo Philips

#bar #get #gum #i #lucky

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. ↗

— Emo Philips

#evil #i #incompetence #like #office

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' ↗

— Emo Philips

#asked #father #girlfriend #had #hello

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ↗

— Emo Philips

#another man #bed #crushed #discovered #get

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. ↗

— Emo Philips

#gave #guns #our #school #searched

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ↗

— Emo Philips

#comics #copy #duplicate #head #heads

Well, you know, I'm the forever optimist. ↗

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

#i #know #optimist #well #you