#m

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#gift #god #history #mystery #present

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#advice #any #counsel #deeply #feel

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#bend #diamonds #floor #god #over

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#beds #dishes #hate #housework #i

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#forty #me #partners #sixty #will

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#enough #figured #happiness #i #i always

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' ↗

— Joan Rivers

#hell #her #house #i #mother-in-law

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#asked #makes #man #mistakes #nineteen

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#die #donate #had #i #much

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. ↗

— Joan Rivers

#cord #cut #dog #dumb #everywhere