#mo

Breathe! Breathe! I urged Lily. You can do this naturally. Fuck that. I want my epidural as soon as we get there. ↗

— Erica Orloff

#funny

For a beverage, you asked for some “cherry-assed Kool Aid.” Okay, now you’re just adding “assed” in places where it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours. For dessert, you asked for your mother’s homemade peach cobbler. It is highly unorthodox for someone other than the prison kitchen staff to prepare a final meal. Also, you killed her about eight years ago, remember? So you’ll have to settle for Hostess. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#funny #humor #last-meal #funny

If you come a little closer you will see that I am depicted as having three penises. Of course I’m not insinuating that I actually have three penises or even two. I have one. This is called symbolism. Is it symbolic in the sense that making love to me feels like I have three penises? Again, I can’t answer that, but probably, yeah. ↗

— Colin Nissan

#humor #narcissism #self-portrait #funny

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

My mom has always been very open, very liberal. So I grew up with that, and I can appreciate everything that she did and went through and was exposed to. ↗

— Ione Skye

#appreciate #been #did #everything #exposed

They know they got the TV ad, they know they got the name recognition, they know that they can do a tie in with McDonald's or some fast food outlet and the money is just gonna flow in. ↗

— Gene Siskel

#fast #fast food #flow #food #gonna

One quick glance around the room and I realise that I have somehow stumbled into a wannabe serial killer convention. Every single person in the room looks as if they are concealing a weapon of some sort. My heart thuds rapidly in my chest as I sneak past an elderly man who grins lecherously at me, flashing his gold tooth. Oh dear God, I’m going to die! First, I get dumped – on my birthday no less – and now I’m going to get knifed in some seedy bar! ↗

— J.C. McClean

#humour #funny

My body kills me, so I kill it. ↗

— Dorotheus the Theban

#death #desert-father #dying #holy-father #monastic

Who's the new Ramones, who's the new Guns 'N Roses, who's the new Motley Crue, who's the new Black Sabbath? They're coming, they're on the street, they're 16, 17 years old. ↗

— Nikki Sixx

#black sabbath #coming #crue #guns #motley

If I'm successful in fooling a wire service, I don't really have to do anything else to promote the story. ↗

— Joey Skaggs

#else #fooling #i #promote #really