#ny

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Whenever he looks at me with those big brown eyes, I feel like giving him a nut,” she said. She even started calling the squirrels running around in the park Mr. Whitmans. ↗

— Kerstin Gier

#funny #likeness #squirrels #funny

People are right to worry about alcohol ruining the rest of their life, but with harder drugs they can afford to be more casual: regret is preceded by overdose. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #overdose #funny

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. In reality, he’d have to kill me. ↗

— L.H. Cosway

#secrets #supernatural #funny

Gohan...Is that sunburn or are you blushing? ↗

— Akira Toriyama

#funny #gohan #goku #krillian #videl

I was not dressed crazily - I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason. ↗

— Diane Messidoro

#horse #humour #random #funny

I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on. ↗

— Josephine Baker

#humor #literal-meaning #nakedness #realtivity #funny

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.” I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically. “Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad." I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad." Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy. ↗

— Molly Harper

#dog #fitz #funny #gabriel #jane-jameson

I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children," he said with a nasty smile. "And sometimes when I'm feeling really evil, I read books or paint. ↗

— Kate Avery Ellison

#funny #funny