#om

A girl got a nosebleed, so I gave her a tampon and warned her about the responsibilities of womanhood. “You’re going to get a lot of guys trying to stick things up there,” I said. Now she’s a mouth breather. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #menstrual-cycles #nosebleeds #womanhood #funny

He pulled away the glove, and at the first glimpse of her fragile, white hand, all thoughts of negotiation fled. "I don't see how matters could become worse," he muttered. "I am already besotted with a needle-tongued, conceited, provoking ape leader of a lady." Her head jerked up. "Besotted? You're nothing like it. Vengeful is more like it. Spiteful. ↗

— Loretta Chase

#jessica-trent #romance #humor

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#collections #collectivism #communism #democracy #fascism

...to go to a dance with a guy who has all the personality of a serial killer mixed with a sponge. ↗

— J.A. Beard

#humor #the-emerald-city #witty-comebacks #humor

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#humor #humour #life #philosophy #sports

So planning something big." "If this is the work of the Overtakers, we've never seen anything like it." "It is," a voice said behind them. Maybeck slipped in alongside of them. "You about scared the pee out of me!" Charlene complained. ↗

— Ridley Pearson

#disney #humor #kigdom-keepers #pee #humor

Lady Ponsonby was right. The forbidden fruit isn't shaped like an apple. It's shaped like a banana. ↗

— Michelle Marcos

#humor #romance #humor

You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore. ↗

— Sharon Leaf

#fiction-romance #humor #inspirational #romance #true-romance

The only way to cry your eyes out and laugh your ass off at the same time is to have your mom or girlfriends present. Without them, the laughing part wouldn't be nearly as fun. ↗

— Shannon L. Alder

#despair #girlfriends #humor #laughing #moms

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right...you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean ↗

— Jeff Mariotte

#humor #sarcasm #science-fiction #humor