#or

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ↗

— Mark Twain

#funeral #funny #humor #funny

You know," Gabriel said, "there was once a time I thought we could be friends, Will." "There was a time I thought I was a ferret," Will said, "but that turned out to be the opium haze. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#ferret #fun #funny #humor #page-

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#religion #humor

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#mankind #people #humor

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#humor #reading #humor

Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?" Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-ashes #clean #dirt #humor #isabelle-lightwood

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#politics #humor

It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #immortals #teenager #humor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#cats #humor #humor

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor