#um

I don't want to look like a bum. ↗

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #funny

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#funny #humor #hush-hush #patch-and-nora #funny

We humans are the greatest of earth's parasites. ↗

— Martin H. Fischer

#greatest #humans #parasites

When a man lacks mental balance in pneumonia he is said to be delirious. When he lacks mental balance without the pneumonia, he is pronounced insane by all smart doctors. ↗

— Martin H. Fischer

#delirious #doctors #insane #lacks #man

I engaged upon those activities because I believed that, in the dangerous circumstances which have been created in South Africa, it was my duty to do so. ↗

— Bram Fischer

#africa #because #been #believed #circumstances

I am a very discreet human when it comes to other people. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#comes #discreet #human #i #i am

The persecuting spirit has its origin... in the assumption that one's own opinions are infallibly correct. ↗

— John Fiske

#correct #infallibly #opinions #origin #own

People are entitled to the presumption of innocence. ↗

— Barney Frank

#innocence #people #presumption

Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved in the broth. ↗