#un

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#humour #infidelity #parenthood #parenting #sexuality

Don't put your wand into your back pocket! Better wizards than you have lost buttocks from it! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#wizards #funny

It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humans #mankind #reality #funny

Don't gobblefunk around with words. ↗

— Roald Dahl

#funny #words #funny

Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humour #internet #john-green #pedophile

It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid. ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#funny

Never miss a good chance to shut up. ↗

— Will Rogers

#funny #reticence #silence #funny

Can I come in? No! I'm in a towel! I'm blind! ↗

— James Patterson

#iggy #max #maximum-ride #funny

Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...] "This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session." "Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then." "It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #price #sale #funny