#y

Hopeless and helpless doth AEgeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#procrastination

The nice thing about wading in earthly pleasures is that if you make it to heaven, the landfills are full of pruned feathers and God’s silky beard trimmings. And if you don’t make it to heaven, at least you’ll have fond memories of the air-conditioned garbage truck. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #garbage #humor #funny

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people. ↗

— Peter Cameron

#funny

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now. ↗

— Kate Quinn

#comeback #funny #insult #kate-quinn #mistress-of-rome

Not saving you from this storm, mutant,” he said. “Saving you for your later fate, we are.” His voice was weirdly inflected and metallic, like an automated answering machine. “Oh, good. Yoda captured us,” Fang whispered. ↗

— James Patterson

#lol #machine #mutant #robot #star-wars

Love is relentless, and so am I ;) ↗

— Keisha Keenleyside

#funny-quotes #happy-quotes #humour-quote #love-quotes #quotes

Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio! ↗

— Daniel Clowes

#funny

One nation, under God, with consciousness – the practical man serves the highest abstraction with juggling training. ↗

— Bauvard

#consciousness #funny #god #humor #juggling

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.) ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humorous #funny

Razor appeared on his shoulder with a buzzing laugh. "Stupid goblins," he crowed, bouncing up and down, making Kierran sigh. "Funny, stupid goblins think master is funny elf. Ha!" He buzzed once more and sat down, grinning like a psychotic piranha. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#kierran #psychotic-piranha #razor #funny