#absurd

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bagel #funny #funny

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #odd

If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking. Somebody might ask me, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” and I’ll reply, “Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to fly everywhere. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birds #flight #flying #walking #life

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard ↗

— Josh Stern

#flyinf #ground #hard #humor #simple

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blot-out #cloud #funny #humor

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#anal-sex #congress #funny #humor #politics

We can regard our life as a uselessly disturbing episode in the blissful repose of nothingness. ↗

— Arthur Schopenhauer

#life #nothingness #life

We no longer believe because it is absurd: it is absurd because we must believe. ↗

— Julio Cortázar

#belief #life #life