#absurd

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging. ↗

— Woody Allen

#forgiveness

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#adore #adoring #adulation #death #delusion

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. ↗

— Woody Allen

#funny

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #stealing #theft #funny

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #hungry #funny

Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy. ↗

— Karl Lagerfeld

#absurdity #anti-absurdity #art #bi #bipolar

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bagel #funny #funny

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #odd

If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking. Somebody might ask me, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” and I’ll reply, “Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to fly everywhere. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birds #flight #flying #walking #life