#comedy

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows. ↗

— John Green

#comedy #funny #funny

The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade. ↗

— Brett Tate

#funny #humor #humour #memoir #sex

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth ↗

— Brandon Mull

#humor #humor

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#kids #observational-comedy #humor

Today I feel like I did tomorrow. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#comedy-humor #humor #humorist #humorous #humorous-quotes

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile. ↗

— Kira

#humor #humor

بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً ↗

— Chris Rock

#humor #humor

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#comedy #english #humor #jello #jelly

Roxy, stop being so obnoxious!" -Joy "I'm never obnoxious; I'm just concerned." -Roxy ↗

— Katie MacAlister

#concern #friendship #view-point #friendship

What happened, then? You're stomping through every puddle you can find and look like you're going to punch the first person you see." "Why are you hanging around, then? Aren't you worried about getting hit?" "Aw, you'd never hurt me. My face is too pretty ↗

— Richelle Mead

#funny