#funny

Listen up cowboy, I don’t need my mind changed. I’m perfectly fine the way things are and you don’t know a damned thing about me so if you don’t mind, I really need to get home. Goodbye Tyler.” I turned on my heel and started walking. “Princess, get in the truck, I’ll give you a lift.” He called. “No!” I shouted over my shoulder and kept on walking. “What’s a man got to do for a date with you?!” He shouted back. Oh My God really? “For starters use proper grammar! ↗

— K. Larsen

#funny-humor #romance-funny #change

If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #flowers #funny #grave #death

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #family

When sudden deforestation and depopulation occur together, that’s how you know a time-traveling lumberjack has crossed paths with his family tree. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #lumberjacks #trees #family

The house had a name. The Banana House. It was carved onto a piece of sandstone above the front door. It made no sense to anyone. ↗

— Hilary McKay

#funny-and-random #house #family

By the time I'm nine I know the world is a dangerous place. I've heard whispers about razorblades in apples, about Charlie Manson and his family. But no one is offering any clear information. ↗

— Nick Flynn

#family

There’s no need to pay your child’s hospital bills. When the state dissolves kinship ties, everyone will be covered under one family plan. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #medical #socialism #welfare #family

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #pocket #preparation #prepared #rain

Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#funny #funny

Whatever. Boris, must you constantly breathe on me? ↗