#funny

I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#future #guns #war #funny

I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#fabian #funny #stalling #funny

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?" "Nope!" "Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #julie #kate #kate-daniels #magic-burns

Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #holly-s-pregnancy #kresley-cole #rydstrom #funny

I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I know something about you isn't right. You haven't fooled everybody. I'm going to find out what you're up to. I'm going to expose you." "Looking forward to it. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#expose #funny #hush-hush #nora-and-patch #nora-grey

the answer to every problem involved penguins ↗

— Rick Riordan

#penguins #funny

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#purposeful-errors #tiredness #funny

Whoa, Rebecca," Talia said smiling even wider, "Walking on the wild side, are we?" Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. "He - uh - I'm tutoring him." "She is," Han said solemnly. "She's very good. I'm learning a lot." Pearlie snickered. "What's she teaching you?" "Well," Han said, "we're jumping around a lot. ↗

— Cinda Williams Chima

#han-alister #raisa #funny

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter. ↗

— John Green

#hassan #funny