#funny

CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day. ↗

— Ronda Thompson

#funny

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#rick-riordan #funny

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs. ↗

— Mark Rosen

#funny #future #funny

I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fantasy #funny #motorcycle #space #funny

When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny

And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#funny #weapons #funny

I ain't never seen a creature like that before, she says. He's so smart, he's- More, like a person than a bird? I says. Yeah, she says. That's it. Whatever you do, I says, don't tell him that. I'll never hear the end of it. ↗

— Moira Young

#blood-red-road #crow #funny #maev #nero

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. ↗

— Woody Allen

#funny

When the gap between the rich and the poor is so huge that you can’t help pointing it out – that’s when you risk being labeled a pervert. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #inequality #perversion #funny

He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on." I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for the first thing I can grab and put it in front of me to shield myself from view. It happens to be one of Kiara's stuffed animals, but I don't have much choice right now. "That's Kiara's Mojo," Tuck says, laughing. "Get it? Mojo? ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#carlos-fuentes #funny #kiara #kiara-westford #perfect-chemistry