#funny

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks. ↗

— Holly Black

#funny #ironside #funny

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. ↗

— Steven Wright

#funny #skydiving #funny

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom. ↗

— John Green

#funny

We were kissing. I thought: This is good. I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all. I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe. Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed ↗

— John Green

#funny

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#funny

I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know? ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

I'm done with those; regrets are an excuse for people who have failed. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#living #moving-on #regrets #funny

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#america #drink #funny #humor #love

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times. ↗

— John Green

#funny

Sane is boring. ↗

— R.A. Salvatore

#crazy #forgotten-realms #funny #humor #jarlaxle