#funny

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.  ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#car #disabled #funny #handicapped #humor

I long for your love like the length of a midget. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #midget #age

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead. ↗

— Bauvard

#envy #funny #funny

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous. ↗

— Charles Dickens

#sarcasm #business

As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success. ↗

— Bauvard

#doubt #enterprises #failure #funny #hesitancy

It's a joke in the zoo business, a weary joke, that the paperwork involved in trading a shrew weighs more than an elephant, that the paperwork involved in trading an elephant weighs more than a whale, and that you must never try to trade a whale, never. ↗

— Yann Martel

#paperwork #business

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #mob #business

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands... that can do your brain. ↗

— Ivan Stoikov

#books #fantasy #fiction #humour #kids-funny-business

Never underestimate the power of funny, it moves mountains. ↗

— James Patterson

#funny

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk. ↗