#funny

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #opening-lines #funny

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole milk.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me." "I was ninety percent sure." "I see." Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hand to his cheek, more surprised than in pain. "What the heck was that for?" "The other ten percent. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny #humor #funny

When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked. ↗

— Don Roff

#humor #writing #funny

I am a conservative. It’s like being a preservative, but with a backwards shelf life. I conserve the values of the past, and I keep them there so I can behave liberally now . ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #liberal #funny

Why not? It's true. I don't even laugh for anyone but you." She hesitated, for that one. Did he really mean that? Surely not. "Tim seems like a really funny guy." She tried, but all it did was make his mouth form that mean line. "Tim pees in the kitchen sink." "Well, okay. I could atleast promise not to do that, but even so- ↗

— Charlotte Stein

#funny

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. ↗

— Solange nicole

#humor #life-lessons #philosophy #solange #funny

Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #marriage #wife #funny

I’ll not only win glory in a castrated bullfighting tournament, I can make a profit by selling rocky mountain oysters, too. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

You either trust me or you don't. I've never let you down, and I won't walk away unless you make me. Period. Now, unless you have a real emergency, I'd like to get back to my vacation. And my corpse, thanks. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat-crawfield #catherine-crawfield #funny #humor #jeaniene-frost