#funny

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.
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— Jarod Kintz

#celebrity #fame #funny #humor #letter

While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#lust #potatoes #tomatoes #food

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure." -Morelli And Stephanie ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #morelli #stephanie-plum #food

Dear Edmond, When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton's Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep, so I examined the boxes a little more closely. On them you had written "Edmond" and underlined your name. And then next to it you had written "Do Not Eat!" So I honored your wish, and I ate all your food, thus removing the temptation for you to eat it. It was great! You're such a great friend, with a strong will, too. But even the strongest wills get tested. I know that just as much as you do. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #rude #selfish #food

Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse. ↗

— Charlie Higson

#food

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #food

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.
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— Jarod Kintz

#corruption #dirt #dirty #filthy #funny

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #food

It's funny that until I actually met my husband, I never thought I'd get married. ↗

— Regina King

#funny #get #get married #husband #i

When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you're in this little bubble when you're working - you don't read books, you don't really keep up with the news, you're just living that life. ↗

— Taylor Kitsch

#because #books #bubble #funny #golf