#funny

Oh! Do you have a pocketknife?" He narrowed his eyes at me. "Pocketknife?" "Don't men your age always have pocketknives?" I asked in a high-pitched voice. "My age? I'm not a fucking grandfather," he snapped. ↗

— Jenn Bennett

#cady #funny #lon #age

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you," Garrett joked. ↗

— T.E. Sivec

#funny #garrett #haha #lol #parker

Sex with me has been described by more than one person as “Like making love to a brick.” Of course, you’re probably skeptical, because all men boast—exaggerate—about their sexual prowess. Rest assured, if that’s not the truth, it’s only because it’s an overstatement. A brick actually moves around more than I do.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor #love #sex

I am familiar with the modern world – of thirty years ago. Since then, I have stayed modern and the world has accelerated into the dark ages. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #medievalism #modernity #old-fashioned

Yes! Yes! There's the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi? ↗

— Doug Solter

#funny-quotes #girl-power #motor-racing #sushi #attitude

friendship is like peeing on yourself;everyone can see it,but you get that warm feeling that brings it. ↗

— anymous

#friendship

There's a long history of anthropomorphic animals in Japanese literature. The so-called 'funny animal scrolls' were the first narratives in Japanese history, and the heroes of many folk tales have animals as their companions. ↗

— Stan Sakai

#companions #first #folk #funny #heroes

i'm not sarcastic.i'm just intelligent beyond your understanding. ↗

— ?

#funny

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life. ↗

— John Green

#funny #john-green #quote #true #funny

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#funny #humor #love #money #relationships