#funny

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ↗

— Don Marquis

#art #keeping #procrastination #up #yesterday

The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of course in zero gravity, Neil probably had a more impressive erection than I did at that moment. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny

I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#own #zoo #funny

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surreal #trumpet

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. ↗

— George Saunders

#bad-news #funny #humor #funny

Popatrz jeno. Kościół, karczma, bordel, a w środku między nimi kupa gówna. Oto parabola ludzkiego żywota. ↗

— Andrzej Sapkowski

#medieval #polish #shit #funny

I'm not at all funny. I can do dark comedy pretty well, but straight-up comedy, I don't know. I'm much darker. I've been like that since I was 3 years old. ↗

— Rooney Mara

#comedy #dark #darker #funny #i

Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #logo #love #nike #slogan

Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you're in a slump. If you lose at the end, you're choking. ↗

— Gene Mauch

#beginning #choking #end #funny #got