#funny

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. ↗

— George Carlin

#funny-accidents #humor #star-trek #dreams

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor #funny

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#deception #funny #hermaphrodites #humor #lie

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me. ↗

— Tad Williams

#funny #funny

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#destruction #earthquakes #floods #funny #funny-and-random

Do yourself a favor,' I said. "Forget it. Forget you ever saw me." "Forget that you tried to kill me too?" "Yeah. That, too." "But who are you?" "Percy-" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!" "What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?" I bolted for the exit. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#percy #funny-and-random

Woman. Buckle ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#demanding #funny-and-random #funny-and-random

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much. ↗

— Katie McGarry

#funny #karma #katie-mcgarry #pushing-the-limits #funny

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the Lowest crime rates in the country ↗

— Mayor Marion Barry

#stupid #wow #funny

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife. ↗