#funny

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. ↗

— Elayne Boosler

#been #divorced #i #married #me

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers. ↗

— Tina Fey

#politics #professionalism #prostitution #virtues #dreams

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #pain #torture #age

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked. ↗

— Gilles Deleuze

#fucked-up #funny #humor #other #philosophy

It is remarkably precocious when a person accomplishes anything after the age of thirty. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #precocious #age

I make love like never, only less often.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#humor #love #time #age

What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #age

I'm doing a very funny show in which we talk about issues. I speak at Aids charities and things. It's great to do something fun with our days and yet we're told we're doing something important. ↗

— Eric McCormack

#aids #charities #days #doing #fun

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#finnick #funny #humour #hunger-games #katniss

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#eggs #funny #relationships #witty #witty