#funny

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humor #humour #kiddnapped #rodney-dangerfield

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home ↗

— Rachel Gibson

#humor #funny

I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

When someone says something offensive and I want to voice my opinion, I hire a spokesman to beat that person up. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #opinions #violence #funny

Yeah, really scary," agreed Zoe, struggling not to laugh. "Like Bambi with an Uzi. ↗

— Joss Stirling

#funny

Maybe I can stalk you again sometime.” “Absolutely. ↗

— Katie Klein

#funny #jaden-mcentyre #katie-klein #parker-whalen #stalk

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil. ↗

— Molly Harper

#humor #politcal-humor #vampires #funny

Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?" "Why do I have to be the flaming gay one? ↗

— Finn Marlowe

#funny #intense #m-m-romance #supernatural #funny

As my Uncle Sam (not related to the bloated government entity of the same name) used to say, “The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#politician #funny

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels.... ↗

— Josh Stern

#funny #humor #naked #paints #picture