#funny

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born. ↗

— Dakota Dawn

#funny #humor #truth #wisdom #family

Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #parenting #funny

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #success #funny

Four lips, two mouths, one kiss, ½ of love (Agatha wasn’t into me, apparently). My mouth does nothing but long to kiss Agatha, and my penis would long if only it weren’t so short. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#kiss #love #funny

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #money #uncle #funny

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #listening #myself #selfish

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#butter #food #friendship #funny #humor

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #jim-morrison #music #musicians

Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gift #joy #reward #funny

You know what i can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, i mean endlessly, i've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you? ↗

— David Nicholls

#inspirational #funny