#funny

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for. ↗

— Karl Pilkington

#humor #stupidity #funny

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny #funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor #humorous

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #pickles #random #funny

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. ↗

— Robert Orben

#children #hand #leaves #never #raise

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem. Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru [long silence from the other end of the phone] Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#dog #dragon #fruits-basket #funny #hatori

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #practicality #sensuality #funny

I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes. ↗

— Kendare Blake

#anna-dressed-in-blood #attraction #cas #cassio #funny

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#sarcasm #funny

I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #penis #funny