#funny

My second thought was to fire a gunshot, but the last time I did that his security robots jumped me. It only takes one cavity search by a robot to convince you that’s an experience you don’t want to have twice. This called for a more subtle approach. ↗

— John Zakour

#humour #search #experience

Just relax and breathe through your ass. ↗

— Lewis Black

#funny #humor #noremorse #faith

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #late #stood-up #tardy

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blemish #funny #grotesque #humor #mustache

Still nothing," Raven answered "This is shitty. We are going to have to invest in heat sensors. These motion detectors blow Satan's left nut. ↗

— Gabrielle Evans

#humor #serious #faith

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#palindrome #racecar #funny

I want everyone to throw sugar and cream at each other, then lie about it. I want to attend an ice cream antisocial. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #ice-cream #funny

Van was feeding Christian as we walked in the door. I shielded my hands in front of my face to prevent from seeing her bare breast. "God damn woman, put that tit away!" "I'm feeding my daughter. You want another taste?" I started gagging immediately just thinking about how bad that shit tasted. "Hell no! I would rather eat dog shit. ↗

— Jennifer Foor

#family #funny #family

And so that means..." "We have to rob the Henley," Simon said. Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. "Again. ↗

— Ally Carter

#gabrielle #heist-socity #henley #kat #simon