#funny

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#awesome #bizarre #cancer #funny #humor

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

My love’s got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#humor #love #age

Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#bed #clarity #funny #humor #life

Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students. ↗

— Molly Harper

#jane-jameson #kindergarten #maturity #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings the shooting iron somewhat closer so's he don't waste powder, then hoists her up, set to haul back on the trigger. I believe his plan was to shoot this feller, get the story later. ↗

— Peter Matthiessen

#age

Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dangerous #dangerously #food #fruit #funny

Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios? ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#cheerios #funny #vee-sky #anger