#funny

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
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— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#humor #jealous #jealousy #love #sensitive

It's funny that people think because you don't have a movie or record out, you disappear into a frozen chamber someplace. They think you're dead when you're not in the public eye. ↗

— Jason Schwartzman

#chamber #dead #disappear #eye #frozen

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? ↗

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

#guess #i #problem #said #saw

I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny. ↗

— Ridley Scott

#exactly #funny #i #knew

And in the past, Archie wondered, was it just that fewer people cheated? Were they more honest, and did they leave their front doors open, did they leave their kids with the neighbors, pay social calls, run up tabs with the butcher? The funny thing about getting old in a country is people always want to hear that from you. They want to hear it really was once a green and pleasant land. They need it. ↗

— Zadie Smith

#old #past #funny

Sometimes you loose a battle. but mischief always wins the war. ↗

— John Green

#funny #john-green #looking-for-alaska #romance #funny

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

There's nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight. ↗

— Lon Chaney

#horror #phobias #pulp #funny

You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a direct physical risk to you, as well as consequential psychological and possibly, depending on your personal belief system, spiritual risks ensuing from your personal reaction to said physical risk. Any movement on your part constitutes an implicit and irrevocable acceptance of such risk," the first MetaCop says. There is a little speaker on his belt, simultaneously translating all of this into Spanish and Japanese. "Or as we used to say," the other MetaCop says, "freeze, sucker!" "Under provisions of The Mews at Windsor Heights Code, we are authorized to enforce law, national security concerns, and societal harmony on said territory also. A treaty between The Mews at Windsor Heights and White Columns authorizes us to place you in temporary custody until your status as an Investigatory Focus has been resolved." "Your ass is busted," the second MetaCop says. "As your demeanor has been nonaggressive and you carry no visible weapons, we are not authorized to employ heroic measures to ensure your cooperation," the first MetaCop says. "You stay cool and we'll stay cool," the second MetaCop says. "However, we are equipped with devices, including but not limited to projectile weapons, which, if used, may pose an extreme and immediate threat to your health and well-being." "Make one funny move and we'll blow your head off," the second MetaCop says. ↗

— Neal Stephenson

#funny #police #funny

The longest 60 seconds in the world occur when someone says, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
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— Jarod Kintz

#humor #late #minute #time #waiting