#funny

−Oh, Dios mío. Asher. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Date la vuelta. Es muy guapo, Campbell. ¿Estás montándotelo con mi nieta? −No, señora. −Bueno, pues tienes mi permiso para hacerlo. ↗

— Wendy Wunder

#love #dating

The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dollar #faith #federal-reserve #funny #gold

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #powers #the-lost-hero #beauty

I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said. Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse." "I am you Prince and you cannot refuse." "I am your loyal servant and I just did." "Refusal means death." "Kill me then. ↗

— William Goldman

#humor #marriage #death

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#death-eaters #funny #humor #muggle-born #muggles

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies. ↗

— Criss Jami

#cookie #cute #faithfulness #funny #god

The secret is,” I say, whispering right into his ear, “that yours was the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life.” “But I’ve never kissed you,” he whispers back. Around us the rain sounds like falling glass. “Not since third grade, anyway.” I smile, but I’m not sure if he can see it. “Better get started, then,” I say, “because I don’t have much time. ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#funny-but-sad #life #time #funny

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says "Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed"--because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk ↗

— E. Lockhart

#funny #sweet #true #friendship

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clean #cleaning #funny #humor #kitchen

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family #funny #humor #relationships #family