#funny

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#delusional #funny #funny

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #night-vision #wedgie #funny

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #joke #vindictive #funny

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.” “Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.” “No, you’re not.” “Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I lost my boxing gloves, that’s exactly where I found them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing. ↗

— Andy Milonakis

#hates #his #i #i think #kind

Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates. ↗

— Bauvard

#children #funny #funny

Though the funny thing about never being asked for anything is that after a while you start to feel like maybe you don’t have anything worth giving. ↗

— Lev Grossman

#worth #funny

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #funny

I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #palindrome #funny