#funny

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?" "Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets. ↗

— Robin Benway

#laughed #funny

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud. ↗

— Amanda Hocking

#creepy #funny #my-blood-approves #funny

I want to wear baby halos as hospital bracelets to protest abortion. I'll tell my doctor I don't need any treatment - I was born a survivor. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends." Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said: "He's not my friend!" "Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. ↗

— Cardeno C.

#funny-as-hell #m-m-romance #funny

People say that you always have to tell the truth. But they do not mean this because you are not allowed to tell old people that they are old and you are not allowed to tell people if they smell funny or if a grown-up has made a fart. And you are not allowed to say, 'I don't like you,' unless that person has been horrible to you. ↗

— Mark Haddon

#funny

The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dollar #faith #federal-reserve #funny #gold

I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #humor #powers #the-lost-hero #beauty

I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said. Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse." "I am you Prince and you cannot refuse." "I am your loyal servant and I just did." "Refusal means death." "Kill me then. ↗

— William Goldman

#humor #marriage #death

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#death-eaters #funny #humor #muggle-born #muggles

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies. ↗

— Criss Jami

#cookie #cute #faithfulness #funny #god