#funny

He's wearing flannel!" Alan yelped. "He's shoving his straight in my face! ↗

— K.D. Sarge

#gay #no-flannel #funny

He couldn’t just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself. “I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #love #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. ↗

— Gideon Defoe

#maps #pirates #funny

Why had she set limits like no sex? I want sex. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #zombie #funny

I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #waiter #funny

A wife isn’t beaten until drunk.” – Proverb of one who finds that, between his bottle and her nagging, only one can pour forth endlessly. ↗

— Bauvard

#alcoholism #funny #love #funny

The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary. His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque ("Like the battery," he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet "Uncle Milty" for his piscine amatory habits. He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, "Milt! ↗

— Howard Mittelmark

#show-off #funny

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. ↗

— Henny Youngman

#first #if at first #much #skydiving #succeed

He pats his way around the bed and slides back in. 'Ow,' he says. 'Yes?' 'My belt. Would it be weird...' I’m thankful he can’t see me blush. 'Of course not.' And I listen to the slap of leather as he pulls it out of his belt loops. He lays it gently on my hardwood floor. 'Um,' he says. 'Would it be weird—' 'YES.' 'Oh, piss off. I’m not talking trousers. I only want under the blankets.That breeze is horrible.' He slides underneath, and now we’re lying side by side. In my narrow bed. Funny, but I never imagined my first sleepover with a guy being, well, a sleepover. 'All we need now are 'Sixteen Candles' and a game of Truth or Dare.' He coughs. 'Wh-what?' 'The movie, pervert. I was just thinking it’s been a while since I’ve had a sleepover.' A pause. 'Oh. ↗

— Stephanie Perkins

#funny