#funny

Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. “Give me twenty pounds,” I snapped. “I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now! ↗

— Sarra Manning

#funny

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock. ↗

— Junot Díaz

#insane #outburst #whitegirl #funny

Funny how his two special abilities—taking and giving life—were so opposite, but only the “good” one came with pain. He supposed it made sense; life fucking hurt. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#funny

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #invisible #toys #funny

Funny is funny is funny. ↗

— Bob Newhart

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line. ↗

— Bob Newhart

#background #comedian #environment #family #family background

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#fleas #funny #humor #humour #pass-the-fleas-please

This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me.' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man.' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible. ↗

— Rory McIlroy

#down #funny #golfer #great #great thing

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny. ↗

— Christopher Meloni

#chris #chris rock #example #funny #gap