#funny

Depressed beyond what I'd previously thought possible, I stripped, showered, and slipped on a fresh pair of jeans and a tee shirt and headed for my mom's, trying to figure out why a bank would charge twenty dollars for insufficient funds when they know you don't have it. ↗

— Kit Frazier

#funny #money #money

W-what do you want?" I asked, thankful that my voice only trembled a little bit. That Cat Didn't blink. "Human," he said, and if a cat could sound patronizing, this one nailed it, "think about the absurdity of the question. I am resting in my tree, minding my own business and wondering if I should hunt today, when you come flying in like a bean sidhe and scare off every bird for miles around. Then, you have the audacity to ask what I want." He sniffed and gave me a very catlike stare of disdain. "I am aware that mortals are rude and barbaric, but still. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#funny #grim #grimalkin #meghan #wyldwood

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#procrastination #business

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand. He looked like a dick. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#funny #humour #romance #business

I can't believe this heat," Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that showed a figure unaccustomed to idleness or excess. Kip stared at her the way he had at the shiney curves of the steel horse back in the garage. "Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago, when weather changed just a few times a year?" she said, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. "Yeah, it must have looked great," Kip said. "What do you mean looked great?" Abbey said, turning her eye on Kip. "Must have been great, like you said," he corrected. ↗

— Shawn Keenan

#funny #heat #kip #pervert #change

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #timing #courage

Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you ↗

— Christopher Paolini

#funny #courage

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cranberries #dating #funny #humor #music

And since I’m marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you’re sleeping with Laurel—” “I’m not sleeping with Laurel. We’re dating.” “Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs.” “For a while. Minus the singing. ↗

— Nora Roberts

#friends #funny #humor #relationships #dating

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink. ↗

— Amy Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships