#funny

Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia. ↗

— Mervyn Peake

#fleet #funny #gormenghast #life #life-lessons

We all must die, but only I put the “must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #random #death

I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clouds #funny #humor #knees #life

Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I had a dream about you. You were dying, and everybody around you was ignoring you because nobody wants to think about death. I was the only person who saw your pain, and was willing to document your descent into decomposition with the unblinking honesty of a video camera following your every move. You didn't smile once, but I suppose that's natural, because you were a soon-to-be skeleton in a cemetery.
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

If I had 31 minutes to live, I'd ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm always like that, rounding up and needy.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #god #humor #life #need

some days are like being pecked to death by ducks ↗

— Unknown

#death

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #humor #karate #kill

I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?” “What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead? ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#death-jokes #funny #ssupernatural #training #ya

I looked at the photo of me and my par­ents, ran my fin­ger­tips along the glass frame. I had just been born. We were still in the hos­pi­tal, and I looked more like a bur­rito with a face than like a baby. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#burrito #family #funny #death