#funny

My voyeur stops paying attention to me the moment I stop having sex, but my stalker is more dependable. He’s more interested in my life as a whole, and that’s why I'm going to spend the rest of it with him. As for my voyeur, I want to turn down his marriage proposal, but I know he’ll just be there on my wedding night anyway. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #marriage #stalker #voyeurism

What are you doing here?” All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. “Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#funny #humour #romance #funny

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up. She sounded as though she was having sex. Good sex. ↗

— Cherry Adair

#humour #romance #romantic-suspense #funny

Her hands shot up. “See that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you’re fixing me. I’m not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that.” “You drool.” “What?” That caught her off guard. “When you’re asleep you drool. I’ve woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest.” After a thought he added. “And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you.” “I do not!” Her face colored with indignation. He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. “Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night’s sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they’d say that. ↗

— R.L. Mathewson

#funny #humor #romance #tall #funny

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #selfish #selfishness #funny

She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. "You're lost!" "You're angry!" "You're in the wrong school!" "You're in the wrong country!" "You're on the wrong planet! ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#school #spanish-class #funny

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?" Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#funny #harry #funny

It’s a huge thing, this Shift, just as big as I imagined. My brain doesn’t want to think anymore; all of a sudden it wants to do. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#funny

I don't know.  I don't really like old movies.  The acting is so, 'Hey buddy, ol' pal.  Let's go wear our hats and have a big misunderstanding ↗

— Stephanie Perkins

#funny-but-true #old #funny

When a whirlwind romance ends with the couple getting killed by a tornado, it is proof that love is a force of nature. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #love #romance #funny