#funny

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ↗

— Jimmy Durante

#breathe #every #her #impediment #now

I know people will think it's funny because I've done glamour modelling in the past, but I felt embarrassed about my body and just wanted to cover it up. ↗

— Jennifer Ellison

#because #body #cover #done #embarrassed

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#because #diet #fat #friend #go

Let’s put to rest one cliché. You can sell refrigerators to Eskimos. The people of Savoonga are Yupiks, the westernmost of the Eskimo tribes, closer to Siberians than American Eskimos in their appearance, and their customs, and their distinctive, liquidly sibilant native language. And, yes, they all have refrigerators. In the winter, food gets freezer burn if left out in the elements. Eskimos need refrigerators to keep their food warm. ↗

— Gene Weingarten

#food

Knocking the shrieking goblins aside like skittles ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#death

Objection!" Metz shouts. Grounds?" the judge asks. Well...he's my witness! ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humor #faith

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #selfish #wig #funny

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go. ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#hilarious #humour #humourous #truth #men

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. ↗

— Josh Billings

#imagination #lots #memory #mistake #people

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. ↗

— Josh Billings

#every #every man #follies #got #his