#funny

Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?" Adina scoffed. "Is she all, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't s ee your penis there'?" Tiara squealed and waved her hands. "Don't say that word!" "What? Accidentally? Sorry? Penis?" "Gah!" Tiara put her fingers in her ears. "What about phallic?" Petra teased. "Like, 'Yon volcano is quite phallic, Lady Tiara.'" Tiara looked confused. "Phallic means penis-like," Petra explained. "Ooh," Tiara said. ↗

— Libba Bray

#funny

What is that?" Dad said, looking at the doll. "It’s called the Scream," I said. "I know that, but what us it?” Dad said. “Maybe she sleeps with it,” I said to Dad as he tucked it under his arm. “Then no wonder it’s screaming,” he said. ↗

— Douglas Rees

#humor #funny

Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly. ↗

— Eleanor Hallowell Abbott

#funny #humor #funny

But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960's. ↗

— Kate Morton

#irony #technology #television #theatres #funny

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail. ↗

— Ian Livingstone

#fantasy #funny #humour #stubble #zagor

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dental-insurance #friendship #funny #humor #life

Was it a camp?" Daniel asked. Sean nodded. "A naturist camp." "Maya will feel right at home", Corey said from his spot on a wooden lawn chair. Daniel sputtered a laugh and Sean tried to hide his. "Naturist, not naturalist," I said. "It means nudist." Corey leaped up and spun. "You mean old, naked butts sat on those chairs? ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor-funny #home

Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car... "Crikey, Caddy!" said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose. Eve murmured, "Sweet," rather doubtfully. Sarah said, not doubtfully at all, "Horrendous! The worst yet. Rock bottom." "He had a very difficult childhood," said Caddy.... "Who didn't?" asked Saffron unsympathetically. "Gosh, he's ancient, Caddy! Look, he's going bald! All that long trailing stuff is just a disguise!" "If I was going bald," said Sarah, "I would face the fact and have it all shaved off." "Well, I thought Mummy would like him," said Caddy defensively. "...Anyway, I can always take him back." "I think you're going to have to, Caddy darling," said Eve... "Hello, Rose darling! Come in and see what Caddy has brought home to show us!" She escaped, and Rose, who had already heard the news from Indigo, glanced at Patrick and began laughing. "See?" said Sarah. "Rose knows! Absolutely rock bottom! You cannot be serious, Caddy!" "Oh, stop looking at him!" said Caddy, uncomfortably. "I'll find something to cover him up with in a minute!" "How long are you leaving him there for?" asked Rose. "Just until Sunday," said Caddy, trying to sound casual. "Till Sunday!" repeated Saffron. "So is Micheal dumped?" "Of course he isn't!" said Caddy indignantly. "I've never dumped anyone!" "Start!" said Saffron. "Otherwise they just pile up, taking up the sofas... ↗

— Hilary McKay

#funny-and-random #love #sisters #family

You're just mad Simon has something you haven't got. " "He has many things I haven't got, " said Jace. "Like nearsightedness, bad posture, and an appalling lack of coordination. " "You know, " Clary said, "most psychologists agree that hostility is really just sublimated sexual attraction. " "Ah, " said Jace blithely, "that might explain why I so often run into people who seem to dislike me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny-and-random